FILM REVIEW!!! THE INTERNATIONAL!

Last night Li and I were bored after playing pool and eating vegetarian pork pies (these things are awesome) so I suggested we go to the cinema, it didn't matter what was on, as long as we snuck cider in just fine.

Of course we managed that because we went to the VUE in Harrow where the employees are either autistic or don't give a single shit. The popcorn we got was mixed and large, just like my first girlfriend, but unlike her it was delicious and by the end I was sad it was gone.

Anyway the film that was on first was The International which I thought would be some kind of retarded action movie because the trailer had gun fights and quick cuts just like all those stupid MTV shows. WRONG. It was just retarded and Clive Owen acts like a pussy version of James Bond who shuffles paper for the civil service instead of having sex with hot spies.

It starts with some fat guy being murdered who is Clive Owen's accomplice. It really fucks me off when characters start smoking really early on in the film because you know you're not going to have a cigarette for at least an hour and fifteen minutes. This particular piece of shit was at least seven hours long. Is it wrong to need nicotine patches and gum just to watch a fucking film?

Oh yeah, Naomi Watts is in it too, she flutters about like a blonde big nothing and gives an awful speech about THE TRUTH and JUSTICE which was exactly like Sideshow Bob giving his "Bah! I derive your truth handling abilities!" speech in the end of that Simpsons where he becomes mayor.

Anyway it turns out there's this bank and it works with mobsters and dodgy middle eastern countries (no surprise there - how come it's never tamil tigers and stuff?) and it lasted a million billion minutes.

There was only one real gun fight in the whole film which strangely features Clive pushing his thumb the whole way through a persons chest like some kind of boring middle class suburban civil servant Bruce Lee. Some other prominent people get murdered and stuff but I can't really remember the whole thing because it sucked so hard.

Weirdly there were a bunch of, I guess unintentional, nods to Laurel and Hardy and Scoobie fucking Doo. One chase scene was exactly out of Scoobie Doo, with a wide angle shot of one character chasing the other, and then turning around and running the other way. And at any moment I kept expecting the fat character to say "Whyyyy youuuuu!" when anything went wrong.

To summise it's a stupid piece of shit and if you're going to waste your money on it you'd better have enough strongbows with you to not care so much, or go see Hotel for Dogs instead like I wish I had.